March 23, 2020
I was starting to panic again with all that is happening in the world, in my city, in my community that I finally had to stop myself last night at 2:00 AM and write down my thoughts. Thinking things through always helps me to calm down.
I watched the movie playing out in my mind that showed me my behaviour lately and to tell you the truth, I did not like what I saw. I was impatient, judgmental, losing patience with my family, and at times rude, all the while fearful of the future. It may sound strange, but I thought, is it possible that this behaviour stems from the lack of self-forgiveness for my actions past and present which force me to try to be someone I am not? It also allows me to be that way toward others since that’s how I am with myself. That’s very uncomfortable. Then my mind wandered to my closest friends and I saw the people who always are there for me no matter what. They don’t judge me; they just tell me as it is. Then I can start over and do better the next time. That’s pretty amazing. Then I looked upwards toward the heavens and saw that the Creator does the same thing with me. How grand is that!
Then I remembered that it’s just before Pesach when all the chametz within is being revealed in order for me to cleanse out like I will clean the yeast from my cupboards and fridge. Yeast in the Torah represents pride. I saw that my fears were taking over and I was forgetting to trust in the Creator. How would I live on my present income? I am a spender. So, if that the case either I spend less or find another source of income but I’m not so young anymore. I wondered if the Creator was closing the door to my singing for the elderly. Do I personally want to close that door and head in a new direction? Perhaps there’s something else I’d like to do. Perhaps it’s time to work on my book but every time I think of my book doubts flood my brain, “who would want to read it?”. “What would catch the eye of a publisher?” “What makes me think that the world wants my story when there are a million stories in the naked city”. How did my iPhone find the word naked before I did? Scary! Blah Blah Blah!
Back to my movie. I thought of how in our lives we take two steps forward and one step backwards, which is good if we’re on an upward spiral. These days it feels like the opposite. One forward and two back. But IF my Father in heaven is truly there for me and He never let me down in the past, why would He start now. He doesn’t change as I do. He is constant and only allows me to fall so far. He disciplines and teaches me, through people who are close to me and through circumstances.
I realized that I have lived through so many experiences because I truly live. I take chances. I am challenged and take them on at my pace. Then I remembered the expression my Rabbi uses: “Our God is the God of beginning Again”. Whenever I think it’s over and there’s nowhere to go but down, I can thank God for showing me the deep areas that are calling for change and for walking me through them. He is preparing me for Pesach when I come before Him like the imperfect person that I am, who can fail but who can get up and live a new day because The Creator of the Universe loves me and is there with me. Yes, I need to work on cleansing the chametz from my heart because I can’t stand those places that darken the light inside my soul. May I be more gracious, more kind to my fellow man, more trusting of the process and not give in to fear. When I acknowledge my areas of need, my willingness to grow, He meets me halfway and leads me on the right path.
These are the best of times and the worst of times. We may have heard that the world has gone through tragedy before but now we are the ones experiencing it. People have been warning us about a financial collapse that would come but we didn’t listen because we may not have known what to do. Now we must learn to NOT worship the golden calf as we did in the desert 4000 years ago just after we left Egypt but instead to watch the miracles that the Bore Olam can do. Let us not fall into despair but trust in the One who has everyone and everything in His Hands. He will never leave us nor forsake us!